All My Demons Are Coming Loose

by Dérive

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about

'All My Demons Are Coming Loose' was written starting in March of 2012 and ending in October of the same year. The album is a two act musical. Tracks 1 - 6 are Act One.
Track 7 is an intermission.
Tracks 8-13 are Act Two.

credits

released January 25, 2013

Dérive is:

Justin Belden - Bass Guitar, Percussion, Vocals
Paul DeGrandpre - Drums, Glockenspiel, Percussion, Vocals
Lucy Hollier - Trombone, Viola, Vocals
Greg Nahabedian - Accordion, Acoustic Guitar, Electric Guitar, Keyboards, Percussion, Recorder, Vocals
Paul Schmelz - Electric Guitar, Percussion, Rack Tom, Vocals

Recorded on October 26th and 27th, 2012 at Project Sound in Haverhill, MA
Engineered by Ahren Thielker.
Produced by Ahren Thielker and Dérive.

Many thanks to:
Sam!, Diane Coyne, Mariah Kurtz, Taylor Myers, Kasey, Derek "The Body Chocolate" Linsky, The Greenes, Ryan Gallagher, Jaime Coyne, Kyle Rees.

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Dérive Westfield, Massachusetts

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Track Name: Last Night At The Social
Listen to these hymns. Listen to these elegies:

You ought to have seen what I saw on my way
To your house past the old creek today
I was cutting through Cecil Boggs’ yard, in the shadow of his mansion
I heard a scream from that castle, echoing like a bullet through a canyon.

In the cavernous home, who knows what it might be?
That preacher Boggs always has something up his sleeve
Remember he told us that God said he needed that house
More room for his worship but we know what that was about
But last night at the social
I thought I would’ve seen young John Boggs
He’s always at those dances and he loves to find out
What people have been up to and where they’ve been about

But last night at the social
Did you see Alan Holley?
He was ranting to anyone who’d listen about his day
I guess he fell into the creek and current almost took him away

He’s convinced God pulled him out of the water
And he wrote a prayer into his wrist about his ‘true father’
He says that Boggs is a heretic and that we should send him out
Well presto. Nobody wants Holley about.
See, Boggs last Sunday at our service he said
That the best way to get a message into a child’s head
The best way to teach them – here’s what he said
Says the best way is to beat it right into their skin
Like a hymn! Like a hymn! Let the Truth fly in
Their little minds don’t know better so let’s beat it right in
Did they get home late I’ll bet your fist works great
They’ll never forget all those lessons in their skin.

Do you think that has something to do with where John might be?

I haven’t seen his sister or his brothers either – let me see
Olive wasn’t a church and Georgia hasn’t been to school

Do you think Boggs’ hand is keeping those children subdued?

I wonder you didn’t see Emmett Crabtree about?

The best of it was that I did you know,
I was getting through what Boggs’ yard had to show
When over the wall and into the road
When who should come by in his shiny new coat
Of all the chattering Crabtrees alive
But Emmett, the elderly, out for a drive
He saw you, then? What did he? Did he frown?
He just kept nodding his head up and down.
You know how politely he always goes by
But he thought a big thought I could tell by his eye
Which being expressed might be this in effect:
I left these woods I shrewdly suspect
To flourish too long, I am greatly to blame.
They should be cut down and in their place
A parking lot and department store space.

Breathe the clean air while its still there.
Smell the fresh rain before its fake.

Listen to this hymn. It sings like a rusty saw blade.

This is a psalm for your greedy palms
For all of your guilt donate to the palace that we’ve built
Your sins are a burden and are just getting in the way
Of building me an extra house for all my guests to stay

And I wish I could lie to myself like they do
They couldn’t find the truth a moment too soon
How Boggs has been using their faith as a scam
For building his wealth and destroying the land
I was a sick soul before yesterday afternoon
But now I’ve been baptized by the sun and the moon
I was filled with lust and I was filled with hate
But now I can feel those demons abate

This is a hymn for all your sins
Sit there and pray and let this weight sink in
But do what you want all week long
And if you show up every Sunday all your sins will be gone.

I told you how once not long after we came
I almost lost myself to total mirth
By taking you to get lost in the earth
And see what truth laid in the hollows to be had

The sun shined out warm and the vines were all wet.
It was so long since we walked there that I almost forget.
How we used to take in trees and look at every flower
Stick them in our hair feeling fresh as a shower

And you missed the woods and I said I did too!
We went back out there and wandered a while
We got separated but you gave me a smile
I was so scared that you had wandered some miles

I thought I had lost you and I let out a shout
Too loud for the distance you were it turned out
And when you answered your voice as low as a bird
I’ll always remember the simple words that I heard.

I’d love to see these gardens overgrown
I’d love to see these fountains overflow
Oh, Alan what a nice way to live
Just taking what Nature is willing to give

But we won’t have this place to ourselves to enjoy
Not likely when Boggs’ flock all deploy
That shepherd will have them all over the night
They won’t be too friendly and they really won’t be polite but still
You ought to have seen how it looked in the rain
The fruit mixed with water in layers of leaves
Like two kinds of jewels. A vision for thieves.*


* = Song modeled after 'Blueberries' by Robert Frost with miscellaneous direct quotations.
Track Name: Sing It To The River
There's a party at Cane Creek.

The stars and the signs are flashing in my eyes.
What a sad road for these violent violent times.

And for just 7.95, you can come on down, have a drink and have a good
time. We’ll all laugh and we’ll listen to children explode when
they’ve done something wrong. Last time. It’s their swan song. Yeah.
Go to peaceful sleep at the bottom of our creek.

I hear all the preachers laughing.
I hear all the preachers laughing.
I see parents shaking their fists
In up and down lines in 4/4 time.
I hear all my children crying.

What's my body worth?

Check your price tag.

What's my guarantee?

Check your pulse.

What's my return date?

Check your vital signs.

What's my status?

We're all up for sale.

Listen please to these broken dreams
We were falling down dead from the tops of the trees
To the cold hard ground with the twigs and the laves
To decay in silence and reverie

We wandered through the cold in the dead of night
Staring at the stars – what a lovely sight
Brought back to reality and struck half blind
By the city so tall with her neon lights

Mom and Dad were always good to me
‘Til they took me to the church by the dusty creek
Started reading all the words of the man with the pearls
And when I got home late they started beating me.

They tore off all my clothes and they ripped into the skin
And still they dared to cry when they saw me in my coffin
I was lowered to the ground. Six feet down.
They never heard me shriek over old Cane Creek.

My baby’s mouth is full of tar charred feathers.
My creek is nothing but crippling bad weather.
My kitchen table’s made from switch blade metal.
And my front yard is a play ground for grave yards.

I hear all my children crying.*

* = Song inspired by the actions and writings of the pastor Michael Pearl
Track Name: How We Blew It
What were you thinking about on your cold walk home?
When the October breeze left you freezing and alone.
All those burning houses should’ve warmed your bones.
Did anything you felt get through that heart of stone?

As the leaves crunched underfoot I guess I felt
Like the dying thoughts of a wishing well
Like everything I wanted sank to the ground
And was lost in the wake of its own dying sound

I fell into a wonder
I fell into a daze
Like a living shadow
Like an out of order play

I let these gardens overgrow
Watched the fountains overflow
Saw everyone head back home
Plugged in and all turned to stone

Endlessly sing. Ceaselessly stray.
Like a single feather till the end of my days.
Swept up by the wind ‘neath a clearer sky
Landed in a meadow in the blink of an eye

Well we sang in love like high flying doves
And failed to see the black clouds swirling up above
The rain poured in sheets, the wind knocked us in gusts
And left there nothing but some feathers in the mud.
Track Name: Two Movements
Movement 1

I still don’t feel free. Drove this car towards a clearer street.

We all sing lost and endlessly.*

I still don’t feel free. Drove this car towards a cleaner beach.

We all sing lost and endlessly.

I still don’t feel free. Looking for a meadow with a greener green.
Crucified on broken knees. Suffocated under bleeding leaves.

I wanted her to hold me. I wanted her arms around me.

She said:
Your skin is the color of a dead whale lying fucked on the beach.^
Your bones are a dried up waterfall.
Your hair is dying and withered grass.
Your bones are a dried up waterfall.

I still don’t feel relieved. Set this course away from filthy streets.

We all sing lost and endlessly.

I still don’t feel free. Split the night on wounded knees.

We all sing lost and endlessly.

Did you stay up all night, haunted by a dream of a plastic sea and endless fields of power lines?

Yeah! And billions of plastic bags suffocated deer and made lines in the sand like a cry for help.

Did you scream and squirm? Did you tear off them ones and zeros from your itching crawling skin like a plastic coat?

Yeah! It hurt real bad. My skin came off like cellophane and revealed thousands of flash drives wriggling below.

Did the wind tear the roofs off all our pretty homes, where the weather reporters caught you jacking off?

Yeah! They put it on TV. Everybody saw the dirty things I had done. They wouldn't let me to go to my junior prom.

Did you stay up all night, haunted by a dream of a plastic sea and endless fields of power lines?

Yeah. They spelled out in binary: the walls around your pretty homes won't keep you safe from burning notes.


Movement 2

I never thought this could happen to me.

God I hate the end.
She was my friend.
Lily hands again and now I just pretend.

And I feel like I’ll never feel again.
And be a weed outside instead
She smiles softly in my stead
I say goodbye and go back to bed.

I never thought this could happen to me
Everything always seemed to be laid out so simply
I never thought this could happen to me
I never thought this could happen to me

I never thought this could happen to me
Everything always seemed to be laid out so simply
I never thought this could happen to me
I never thought this could happen to me

God I hate the end.
She was my friend.
Lily hands again and now I just pretend.

And I feel like I’ll never feel again.
And be a weed outside instead
She smiles softly in my stead
I say goodbye and go back to bed.

God, I hate the end.
She was my friend.

* = TSMZ Pslam 99
^ = 'Uncle Charlie' from Widow City
Track Name: Follow Me To The Promenade
Cane Creek was so silent. It had just rained for days.
Nobody could be found – not in the glens or in the glades.
The houses were all empty now – the screaming was all gone,
I was just passing through, and tried to continue on.

Took a look ‘round Crabtree’s place – just about mid day
No one to be found in afternoon heat so I continued on my way
Got to the riverside and sat right beneath the shade.
Saw Boggs’ and his followers all at the Promenade.

Follow me.
Follow me.
Cecil Boggs and his church all at the Promenade.

Cleanse your minds and souls now for God has spoken true
Alan’s heresy has brought a curse upon us too.
Let’s baptize ourselves once more in this cleansing creek,
And revel in the rapture that we all should always seek.

Step right up and fill your cup with Jesus’ blood like wine
Take part in this holy Communion and make your life a sign
For God’s grace upon this wretched world now hold your head up high
Cleanse yourself of your mortal signs lest we should all die.

Follow me.
Follow me.
Cecil Boggs and his church all at the Promenade.

Follow me.
Follow me.
Cecil Boggs and his church all at the Promenade.

Alan’s smut’s put us in a rut and it’s time to set him straight
Let’s burn down his house and God will put him in his place
Approach the water now and confess your sins to me
I’ll baptize you all and a watery shawl will protect us from the heat

I’m a lusty sinner while his eyes were on the girls
His words spoke peace and harmony but his mind saw different worlds
And more than his prayer did stick to his mind did her floral dress
He thought about it every night before he laid down to rest

Follow me.
Follow me.
Cecil Boggs and his church all at the Promenade.
Track Name: Exeunt
We were all sheep in the fields, lost and then found
By a gnarled tree rooted in the dying ground
Our wool was all withered and we wasted away
Slept under that tree day after day

I’m feeling lonely now.
I’m feeling lonely.

I know where all your secrets go.
They go into skeletons.
I know. I know. I know.

I know where all your skeletons go.
They go into closets.
I know. I know. I know.

In crooked school houses we weave human tapestries
In crummy chat rooms we mix near living catastrophes
In locked offices we spawn adulterous tragedies
And we all sing lost and endlessly.

I see the houses burning.

We were nothing but some feathers drifting south
Left for dead on the side of the road
With one last taste of life in our mouths
We left wings left ringing an unknown code.

I know where all your secrets go.
They go into skeletons.
I know. I know. I know.

I know where all your skeletons go.
They go into closets.
I know. I know. I know.
Track Name: There Lies Some Hope In Them There Hollows
I haven’t slept in days and my mind has gone astray
I can’t find the words to say that all I loved has gone away

The way your eyes
Reflected the sunrise
The way your smile
Reflected mine

The way your words
Filled the air like strings of pearls
Around your neck
Fleeting beauty I know I’ll forget

And for all my dreams of waking up
With you and the sun laughing with our eyes
For one more minute by the river with you
Is all I need. This was all for you.

The way your eyes
Reflected the sunrise
The way your smile
Reflected mine

The way your words
Filled the air like strings of pearls
Around your neck
Fleeting beauty I know I’ll forget

I haven’t slept in days and my mind has gone astray
I can’t find the words to say that all I loved has gone away
Track Name: Lost It In The Blackened Morning
I gaze through glass at your clear skies.
Days pass as I watch you fly by.

I gaze through glass at your clear skies.
Days pass as I watch you fly by.

First a sound like piano strings.
Next a man haunted by little things.
We sit in silence and watch the plants grow.
While birds sing outside my window.

Feel like I’m dangling ceaselessly
Feel like I’m thinking dangerously
Taunted by the thought of everything I’ll never be
We all sing lost and endlessly.

Cold be hand and heart and bone
Cold be sleep so far from home.
We could not see what lies ahead
When the sun has faded and the moon is dead
And in the black wind the stars shall die
And fade into darkness with the ocean tides
When would we lift these tired hands
Over dead sea and withered land.*

Are you calling me outside?
I’m so afraid to die.
I never lived my life.
I want to come outside.

Are you calling me outside?
I’m so afraid of everything
A grown man unable to adjust to anything.
And I just want to come outside.

And I feel consumed by my own vanity.
My stomach’s full and I’m living lavishly.
All the while I’m drowned in low self esteem
So we all sing lost and endlessly

And I travelled far while looking for stars
And all around me I couldn’t see
The country for all its rivers and its streams
So we all sing lost and endlessly

3 AM and I’m watching TV.
I have no arms and I’m a part of the screen.
The roof caves in and the floor breaks clean.
We all sing lost and endlessly.

And I feel consumed by my own vanity.
My stomach’s full and I’m living lavishly.
All the while I’m drowned in low self esteem
So we all sing lost and endlessly

And I travelled far while looking for stars
And all around me I couldn’t see
The country for all its rivers and its streams
So we all sing lost and endlessly

I moved too fast
I thought too much about the past
Every night I wake myself up with my screams
So we all sing lost and endlessly.

It’s like a door I can’t open but I have to get out
And my dignity is broken by the acts I speak about
I wanted to be part of the explosion of your secret wants and dreams
So I insert myself into every little scene

That I see for you and I see it for me
We were siting in the woods by cane creek
The ground broke beneath me and in I fell
We all sing lost.

But every night since I was 10
I know that I’ll return again
Like a wolf returns to his den
And here I go again

I thought I could show grace
I thought I could be brave
But I know her shape like I know my name
She looks great and I’m a slave

We all sing lost and endlessly.

But every night since I was 10
I know that I’ll return again
Like a wolf returns to his den
And here I go again

I thought I could show grace
I thought I could be brave
But I know her shape like I know my name
She looks great and I’m a slave

We all sing lost and endlessly.


* = Variation on a Barrow Wight chant from The Fellowship of the Ring.
Track Name: 18,000 Universes
*

I want to place flowers in your hair
I want to feel your breath in the morning – you can sing me somewhere
Dim light supplements tea and fresh cut flowers
I’d dance in the rain with you for hours and hours

But take all these vernal blessings
And please don’t end.

For the first time I am content.
I almost feel free.
Everything is so beautiful
I gasped on land and became me.^

For the first time I feel at ease
I’m lying in the grass while you blend in with the trees
I almost feel harmony
I gasped on land and became me

For the first I am content
I almost feel free
Still yourself in me! Still your life in me!
From the war within yourself you can wash your sins in me!%

And for the first time I feel at ease
From a daydream in the grass I lost you in the creek
I almost feel harmony
I gasped on land and became me.

I want to place flowers in your hair
I want to feel your breath – in the morning you can sing me somewhere

Dim light supplements tea and fresh cut flowers
I’d dance in the rain with you for hours and hours

Like sympathetic pitches – still together but so alone
We resonate in perfect harmony and I match you like an overtone

We were two feathers falling and landed as light as autumn leaves
And nestled deep into the warmth of ever present hemlock sheaves.

For the first time I am content.
I almost feel free.
Everything is so beautiful
I gasped on land and became me.

I’ll stick with this. I’ll stick with this.
Your sweet refrain always persists.
I’ll stick with this. I’ll stick with this.
I’ve never known something as beautiful as this.

For the first I am content
I almost feel free
Still yourself in me! Still your life in me!
From the war within yourself you can wash your sins in me!

I’ll stick with this. I’ll stick with this.
Your sweet refrain always persists.
I’ll stick with this. I’ll stick with this.
We’re all singing:

Snow white. Oh lady clear. Oh queen beyond the western seas.
Oh light to us that wander here amid the world of woven trees.>

Take all these vernal blessings.
Please don’t end.
Take all these vernal blessings.
Please don’t end.
Take all these vernal blessings.
Please don’t end.
Take all these vernal blessings.
Please don’t end.
Before this I was like a rock in quicksand
So please don’t end.
Before this I was a slave to flesh.
So please don’t end.
Before this I was like a rock in quicksand
So please don’t end.
Take all these vernal blessings.
Please don’t end.

* = Refers to Bawa Muhaiyaddeen
^ = From a Bokonon poem in Cat's Cradle
% = From the Baghavad-Gita
> = Excerpt from an Elvish song in The Fellowship of the Ring
Track Name: Spider Faces
She was an arachnid fashionista
There were 8 hairy legs wrapped in bloody leather
We went to black widow parties in a bone skyscraper
Drawn like flies to her spider mirrors

Oh my god - lost it in the blackened morning while hustling roses for a dying chapel

Those spider legs keep twisting
Those spider fangs keep snapping
Those spider webs keep tangling
Those spider eyes keep blinking.

Take me back to where we wrote it in each other's skin and hearts and we woke up laughing at the sun's first beams shining through the treetops.
It bathed us in its light and it kept me going.
Bloodshot eyes are hard to keep open when every single day i'm wishing for something
To keep the nightmares and so I gave up sleeping.
Haunted by a reality I can't stop seeing.

Orb webs tangled in my messy nightmares and my neck's held down by giant spiders.
I see it every night so I gave up sleeping but when i close my eyes my mouth is filled with spiders. Bloodshot eyes are hard to keep open when every single day i'm wishing for something
To keep the nightmares and so I gave up sleeping.
Haunted by a reality i can't stop seeing.

Hey orb weaver. Won't you spin a web for me?

And if they ask for blood I'll let them in and if they ask to stay I'll let them remain and when they ask to be forgiven then I'll annul them.
Track Name: Sing It To The Ground
She said, “don’t the growing fires look pretty in the night?”
I said, “They’re getting closer as ash graced our heads like halos glowing white.”
“I’d like to stay longer,” she replied.
We sat and watched the city set the world alight.

I’m lying sick in bed
Nursing the demons out of this tired head
Ruminating on every last word she said
And running down the paths to which she led

Everything I learned and everything I knew
Put to test in one sickly afternoon
Felt the gardens and felt the sound
Sang it to the sky and sang it to the ground

Sing your sweet.
Sing your sweet.

What towering structures scrape the sky?
What fires made all these rivers run dry?
Glowing lights block the stars from sight.
And all the grass dies.

What trees did these leaves forget?
Left which branches held high?
And forgot what boughs that the seeds might beget?
And left arms pointed to some fragile sky?

There’s going to be fire in this town
There’s going to be blood across the ground
There’s going to be some sickly dying sounds
There’s going to be some hateful birds flying ‘round

Sing your sweet.
Sing your sweet.

The birds don’t fly like they used to.
The flowers don’t grow like they used to.
The stars don’t shine like they used.
The waves don’t crash like they used to.
Track Name: And Bow Your Tired Head Down
My only wish is that I was anything other than this
For everything I loved something still feels amiss
Late night! Eyes wide! All I do is reminisce
About April flowers and my only honest kiss.
Spent all night fulfilled by that bliss
White cloth held me over a blackened abyss
My face left warm by the touch of her lips
Her grace held me high but then it dropped me quick

Listen to this hymn:

I sang it to the ground and I felt the sound
The noise rattled the bones to which my soul is bound
Tired yet mighty and triumphantly resound
Took the devil out of this soul with that light I found
I endlessly sing for all the doubt around
My tired head and the hate that surrounds
Every thought I had but let’s let the LIGHT gain ground
And replace those wretched steeples with a flowery crown

I see and I see but I do not perceive
I felt the land but I do not understand



And some voice inside my head is getting stronger
It’s getting stronger and the light is shining longer
Every day it’s shining longer and I’m growing stronger
And the sound that fills these ears is singing louder


Throw me anywhere Lord.
In that old field.


* = Mark 4:12, Isiah 6:9, Matthew 3:14, etc.
^ = Bessie Jones and Georgia Sea Island
Track Name: Found It In The Bright White Starlight
I lost my heart like a helpless string
It couldn’t tune and it couldn’t sing
And the decay of its note was lost in the sound
Of its own end being slowly unwound

I lost my heart like a worn out reed
I was not the source of joy to you that you are to me*
If I sing you a song honest and plain
Please sing me your sweet refrain

I lost my heart like a helpless string
It snapped under the weight of everything
The ends both frayed but the orchestra played
It left me lost and that’s where I stayed

I lost my heart like a broken bell
And it’s actual sound I could not tell
But speckled green the brass rots
Dull and vain the blood clots

Give me something real
And sing me your sweet refrain.

I lost my heart like a helpless string
It couldn’t tune and it couldn’t sing
And the decay of its note was lost in the sound
Of its own end being slowly unwound

I lost my heart like a worn out reed
I was not the source of joy to you that you are to me
If I sing you a song honest and plain
Please sing me your sweet refrain

She holds me in an endless daydream.


* = Spoken by the Prophet Muhammad to his wife Aisha.